I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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