i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize