just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
