he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Couch. On fire.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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