I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
