First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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