You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
