Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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