So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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