I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize