and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
