sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
