My Higher Power is John Stamos
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
