im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I FOUND THE LEGS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
