I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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