Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
