Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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