rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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