I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
