you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
