So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
