Define "chronic" masturbator.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize