Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
