Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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