i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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