just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
