I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
