ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
