just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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