why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
