I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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