So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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