you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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