Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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