walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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