Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
