it was like his penis was on wheels.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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