I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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