i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize