I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
