On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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