Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize