I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
