The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize