bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
