I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
MIDGETS
????
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
