Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize