Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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