Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
