The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
