that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
