Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
