Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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