my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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