i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
